Let’s make it short and sweet: I love American history classes because the choices our leaders have made enable me to write stuff like this:

Short Essay: The Battle of the Alamo has reached mythic proportions in popular American History. How did the defenders of the Alamo ultimately open the west for American Expansion in their 13 day battle in February and March of 1836?

“Famous last words” is how we like to describe something that seems like the opening salvo of a losing battle.

It’s ironic, then, that “remember the Alamo!!” is an epithet that might cause us to say that – “famous last words”. That’s probably because the average person doesn’t realize that the Alamo was a battle that we lost; likewise, the average person might not realize that the people who held down the fort in that battle were not at all ready for a fight. One day, they were cleaning their guns like good Texans do, every day (note: a Texan cleans his gun like a person brushes their teeth). Then, someone looks over their wall and says “we’ve got company, guys.”

Unfortunately, “company” had the fort surrounded. Whilst nobody was looking, Spanish troops had marched on the Alamo to prevent Mexicans from being independent. However, it’s obvious that nobody informed Jennifer Lopez de Santa Anna that you don’t mess with Texas. Although he ended up taking the Alamo, which makes perfect sense in light of the fact that it was held by like twenty people, he actually ended up losing the fort to people who couldn’t believe that such a douchebag would drive his own men on a death march across hundreds of miles of desert to attack a fort manned by the cast of Sesame Street. In less than half an hour, Sam Houston’s Texian army took back what was lost, and with Mexican Independence came this rush to organize, which opened the way for American expansion that can only happen when people are so confused about who owns what that they’re willing to drop the issue if you just leave them something. And so it went with Texas, and that’s why you don’t mess with them – like a sleeping bear, you may well be able to sneak past, but just by going near them, you risk getting mauled.

Don’t be that guy.