Are you really ready for this?

That’s a great question. You see, Rob’s Surf Report: The Movie is going to be a magnum opus of never-before-seen film tropes interspersed with wild action, hardcore romance, and hilariously comic moments that will keep you glued to the edge of your seat and your partner’s lips at the same time while laughing uproariously throughout; FYI, you might want to bring a box of tissues for absorbing saliva, tears, and mucus.

The cast:
Clint Eastwood as my father;
Kathy Bates as my mother;
Kevin James as my sister Aleta before her transformation, and Illeana Douglas after;
Jason Statham as my brother in-law Leroy;
Keira Knightley as my wife Karisa;
Zooey Deschanel as her friend Megan;
Oliver Queen, a.k.a. the Green Arrow as Megan’s husband and my friend Josh;
John Barrowman as our friend Zach;
Heather Graham as his girlfriend Mikayla;
The Troll Song guy as Josh’s younger brother Joe;
Wil Wheaton as my high school friend Damon Shaw;
Bruce Campbell as my high school friend Bryan Ivey;

Really, this is just a sampling of the all-star cast; but who is going to play me, you ask?

Nobody plays Rob Ross.

But seriously, I will be portrayed by Jude Law, except for when I take off my shirt (that’s going to happen a lot) in which case I will be portrayed by Gerard Butler, complete with real Spartan muscles. Butler will portray me in those truly badass scenes, such as the one where I take out an entire dojo of ninjas with just a baton and a couple of flash bang grenades; the one where I fight hand-to-hand with first Dolph Lundgren, then Jean-Claude Van Damme, and finally David Carradine as Kwai Chang Caine; and the one where I discover that dragons really once existed, and then I manage to rescue the last dragon egg – stolen from Solomon’s tomb – from the super-secret treasure vault of the Illuminati. This scene, of course, is followed by a hatching party in my backyard with bonfire where everybody drinks lots of beer and gets crazy. You can’t hatch a dragon egg without a bonfire!

And keep your eye out for Chuck Norris‘ cameo as Keith, the ornery forklift driver at my day job.

Culminating in a scene in which I jump the White House on a motorcycle while the Secret Service looks on in helpless fascination, this film will be the blockbuster of the century. . .

and while no animals will be harmed in the filming, rest assured that plenty of bad guys will get their butts kicked by yours truly.

Coming soon: Rob’s Surf Report: The Movie: The official motion picture soundtrack!

This post was prompted by today’s Daily Post prompt and the weekly writing challenge.


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