The Lobster’s Balderdash: Fibbing Friday

Thanks to Fandango over at fivedotoh.com, I have found a new fun challenge called “Fibbing Friday“, which I decided to try. This challenge reminds me of the game Balderdash, which I was always fairly decent at. Here, pensivity101 gives us ten questions to answer, and we answer them with our own truth. 😉

1.   Who sang about the green green grass of home?
I believe it was a sand scorpion named Aaron. Having grown up in a veritable oasis in the Southwest, he was waylaid by an itinerant twister that picked him up, along with the rock he was sunnin’ himself on, and carried it clear on out to the desert. It was here he met up with a black adder named Bart, and they decided to form an outlaw gang in order to survive the Wild West, where stingers and fangs mean power. Aaron realized this life wasn’t for him after a few weeks, when ol’ Bart got hungry and forced Aaron to sting him in self defense, in order to avoid finding himself trapped inside that rascal’s gizzard. That very day, after packing all his stuff into the tiniest hobo sack on a stick, Aaron struck out for that sweet, green grass of home singing like a King and pretending to play the guitar whenever he sat by his campfire.


2.   Where will you find The Wind in the Willows?
Where my high school used to be. It had this courtyard with a pond, which had willow trees around it, and when the wind blew you could hear the ghost of a pimply kid who was drowned in the lake whispering your name, asking you desperately to be its friend.


3.   Who was Nora Batty?

Nora Batty was an old Junior High English teacher who used to harangue her students for not knowing the difference between a preposition and a prepositional phrase, who went way too far into what makes the Oxford comma truly special, and who finally perished under the weight of the varieties of the English language she had learned in the span of her life, possibly beginning with the original Anglo Saxon.


4.   Who was the star of Tales of the Riverbank?

I’m not gonna lie . . . it was Chuck Norris. At the end of the day, it’s going to be Chuck Norris. And if you see Nicholas Cage, just wait for him to make that face — that crazy, “I’m Nicholas Cage” face — and then imagine what it would look like if Chuck actually decided to rip off the mask right then.
Because it’s actually Chuck Norris.


5.   Who sang ‘I’m gonna make you mine’ ?

Still Chuck Norris. He nearly upstaged Michael McDonald in the 2013 “Yacht your Rocks Off” festival with this number, until MMM (Michael Motherfu**in McDonald) blew the lid off with his rendition of ‘I Keep Forgettin”. I’ll never forget the way the crowd erupted when Queen Elizabeth came out on stage for the duet . . . it was a close run but MMM nailed that one.


6.   What is a dowager?

Of course . . . that’s a tool . . . for widening a hole meant for a dowel rod to go through. When it’s just too tight, you get out the old dowager, you stick it in and sort of twirl it around, maybe bang it against the walls for a while, you know . . . just until it starts to feel right. I bet your dowel will go in there then.
You’re welcome.


7.   What do the letters LED stand for?

“Light Eliminates Darkness”


8.   What are ‘cobbles’ ?

Cobbles are actually the little bumps on the bottoms of the bricks they use to pave sidewalks, footpaths, crosswalks, etc. When the surface is properly underlaid with several layers of river rock, crushed gravel, horse manure — possibly little bits of Jimmy Hoffa they scavenged from the woodchipper — the cobbles allow the pavers to stand just high enough from the underlayment that the faeries that run the traffic lights can flit back and forth beneath the surface in order to make all the magic happen. Climate change is real, folks! We need more magic in our science.


9.   What is a shoe horn?

It’s actually a sounding instrument that very closely resembles an oxblood leather loafer. They’re imported from this tiny village nestled in the woods in Northern Italy by a shoemaker who dabbles in making marionettes. Rumor is, he began making them after an incident where he had been lost at sea with one of his puppets, but that ends up being a whale of a tale if you ask him about it. The shoe horn is properly sounded by placing the rear of the heel on the lips, and allowing the tongue to protrude, thus pushing open a spring-loaded flap and blowing with an embouchure quite similar to that of a trumpet-player. The shoe horn sounds: “ba-RRROOO! Ba-RRROOO!” A mixture of the air path, the flapping of the spring flap, and the growing confidence of one who never thought to blow into a shoe becomes the siren call. The only place a shoe horn may be found is at your local bespoke shoe shop, where it is used to summon assistance at a moment’s notice. Ask them if they can replace heels. If they can, they likely have a shoe horn.


10. What was once advertised as the fifth emergency service?
Cyanide capsules. Unfortunately, they were discontinued when it was discovered that one could only use them once. There was a war going on, after all, and things had to be reusable. Come on, people! They’re ranching sheep at the White House!

Some things you can’t make up . . .

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